Sometimes the truth is uncomfortable but it needs to be said!

Let’s start with the obvious - parenting is hard.

Whether you’re a complete natural or you’re more like me, and found your induction to motherhood more like a fraternity initiation (only with more puking) it’s challenging for everyone.

But the main thing that could help - the support of others - is often not forthcoming because we’re all so afraid of offending each other.

“If I admit I’m struggling, others will think I’m a bad mum”

“If I try to offer support, they might think I’m being judgmental”

“If I share my feelings about this, I might say something wrong”

We spend so much time pussyfooting around each other’s feelings that sometimes we completely miss out on the opportunity to connect with each other and get the help we so desperately need.

So if I’m being honest - really honest - this is the advice I’d give to any parents. Not because I think I’m better, but because I’ve been there and I get it.

The Method Doesn’t Matter As Much As The Intention And Love Behind It

Co-sleeping vs sleep-coaching, BLW vs TW, gentle parenting vs authoritative…

There are so many different methods and approaches to parenting, it can feel completely overwhelming trying to find the ”right” one, and so stressful worrying about what impact choosing the “wrong” one will have on your child.

This fear of being “wrong” can make some parents very defensive about the methods they choose. They have to see their one as the best because otherwise it might mean their choices were a mistake, and making mistakes means you’re a bad parent.

You see it amongst the subscribers to different schools of thought, tearing each other to shreds in the comments sections on Instagram, and between different generations too, battling with parents and in-laws about how “that’s not how we did it in my day”.

But I firmly believe that as long as you’re leading with love and responding to your child’s individual needs, you can’t really get it wrong. In my experience, your child will quickly show you whether a particular method is the right or wrong one for them, and equally it will either feel right or wrong to you in your gut.

The key is to try out different approaches, communicate your feedback regularly with your partner, pivot whenever needed and focus on finding a way that works for you and your family.

Every Moment is NOT Magical

In fact, MOST of them aren’t. Most of them are a bit of a grind if we’re honest!

That’s not to say there aren’t magical moments, but in my opinion, it’s more like 10% magic to 90% grind…

Three minutes of peaceful crafting after 30 minutes of digging out paints, brushes, pipe cleaners, glue, glitter, table mats and painting aprons followed by another 30 minutes of scrubbing paint off the children, the floor and the cupboard doors and picking glitter out of the cat.
A five minute cuddle after a 30 minute sh!tshow in the middle of ASDA where a box of eggs got smashed, you had to say “no we’re not getting that, put it back!” 78 times, everybody was crying, somebody wet themselves and you eventually had to abandon your shopping because old ladies were giving you the judgy look.
Ten minutes chasing your kids, tickling them while they giggle uncontrollably, followed by a 90 minute mealtime battle where you have to cook four different dinners, cut them in particular ways, serve them on particular plates, drench it all in ketchup, and they still say it’s gross and spit it on the floor.

But what we see on social media is usually just those 10% parts.

And most people don’t feel comfortable admitting that there’s a lot about parenting they really don’t enjoy, for fear of judgement.

We feel under so much pressure to “cherish every second” and only share the shiny bits so everyone else thinks we’re wonderful parents.

But the truth is - not enjoying every bit of parenting has very little to do with whether you’re doing a good job or not. In fact, finding it hard often means you are doing a good job, because you care.

So don’t keep comparing your life to the snippets of magic you see online and try to accept that it’s perfectly normal to not love every moment, and even reasonable to have some you hate!

A Bit of Screen Time Won’t Destroy Them

Just the phrase “SCREENTIME” evokes a feeling of failure, doesn’t it?

I’ve had so many chats with other parents where everyone is so keen to express their disapproval of screens and boast about methods they use to try and keep their kids away from the dreaded flashing boxes.

But whilst I am an advocate of limiting screentime and finding programmes or games that are much better for child development, I also think we need to be honest about the real issue here…

And that’s the fact that we’re parenting in a time where we’re supposed to work like we don’t have kids, parent like we don’t have a job, and look after ourselves like we have neither, all without any trace of a village.

By nature, humans are social animals, who always worked together in tribes. Everything from hunting and gathering, to cooking and building would have been done together as a community.

The same went for parenting. There would have ALWAYS been partners, siblings, friends, elders and many age-mates for the children around constantly to lend a hand.

Whilst thousands of years have passed since then, the way we are wired has not changed a great deal - just the way that we live. So if you’re finding it tough, it’s because the expectations we put on ourselves to handle everything alone go completely against our very nature.

So sometimes, something has to give. And sometimes that thing is being able to give your children your 100% attention. And sometimes that means you have to rely on screens to help.

So let’s stop beating ourselves up for accepting whatever help we can get to cope with an almost impossible situation.

Your Own Healing Matters More Than You Think

I’m just going to cut to the chase here - if you’re parenting from unresolved wounds, your children will feel it.

As much as we try to tell ourselves that putting on a brave face and only screaming into a pillow in the cupboard will protect our kids from our issues, the hard truth is they will feel your stress and it will probably impact the adults they become.

(Just ask yourself how many of your personality flaws you can pinpoint to your childhood and you'll see what I mean!)

But so many of us our defensive about sharing our deep-seated issues, choosing instead to pretend we’ve got it all in hand, that we don’t completely lose our sh!t sometimes, or cry when we’re alone, or feel overwhelmingly anxious, and so we don’t do the work to heal the wounds and we just pass them onto our offspring instead!

Unpacking your baggage takes work but it is ENORMOUSLY beneficial for you and everyone around you. I’m speaking from experience here, as both my partner and I have been in therapy since becoming parents and the improvement is obvious.

It doesn't have to be therapy - self-help books and podcasts can be extremely helpful as well - but the key is to do the work and break the cycles, for your own sake and theirs.